"Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone ..." (2 Tim. 2:24-25).
It's been wisely said that it's better to debate a matter and not settle it than to settle it without debate.
R. C. Sproul says the Bible states we are not to be "divisive, contentious, argumentative, or judgmental;" I might add: As brethren--it is unfruitful and doesn't work to the benefit of the body. We are to seek unity and to be one in the Spirit and in agreement as much as possible (cf. Eph. 4:3). "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God" (Matthew 5:9). We may be called to restore a fellowship and be mediators or go-betweens. We don't want the reputation of being troublemakers.
By way of definition, this is the way I see it, for the purpose of this post: Arguing is when we purposely strive to show that someone is wrong or misinformed. The word has negative connotations for some and they refuse to have anything to do with them. We may just be calmly debating back and forth and just asking and answering questions; it doesn't necessarily mean we are raising our voices or getting vociferous. We should always be tactful and sensitive, all the more when we know someone. The pitfall is when an innocent argument leads to a quarrel and worse yet a feud or permanent cleavage in a relationship. Simple inquiries or debates can escalate into full-blown quarrels if we are not vigilant and careful. Arguments per se are not taboo for the believer--it is one methodology of exposing truth or falsity.
To arrive at the truth you must be willing to admit you may be wrong: the quickest way to diffuse an argument is to say, "Then, again, I may be wrong!" That's because there is no such thing as total objectivity apart from God, and neither of the participants may be right. As part of our image of God, we all have an inner sense of right and wrong and we always end up appealing to some standard and we end up arguing.
Notice it says "foolish and stupid arguments." John Stott (one of the 100 most influential people in the world one year) wrote the book Christ the Controversialist. "To avoid controversy is to avoid Christ" according to R. C. Sproul. Christ was no stranger to controversy and dared to challenge the system with clever logic and even answering a question with a question. Some controversies are godly and necessary; otherwise, we would not be able to refute heresy and false teaching. But there is a difference between being contentious, argumentative, and starting arguments, and after the truth in a methodical spiritual manner. Are we seeking to heal or hurt is the question; are we seeking the truth on a godly issue or are we being argumentative and challenging someone.
Remember that relationships are the most important thing, not how clever we can be to outwit our win an argument. You can win an argument and lose a friend. Some people are familiar with each other may just know how to pull each other's strings. Christianity is not about how smart we are but our relationship with the living God, largely manifested by our fellowship with fellow believers, especially if they are family. It is a good thing to avoid unnecessary family tiffs. But if it is about Christ then God says that Christ will even split a family. Matthew 10:34 says that He came not to bring peace, but a sword!
Our debate skills (and I was on the debate team and even judged debates, so I am qualified to comment here) are not on the line in our friendships and family ties. We aren't debating our brethren in the Lord on personal matters, and we should restrict debate to where it belongs: politics and issues of doctrine that are paramount to the church. We don't try to one-up our brothers and sisters or get into the habit of comparing or bragging. "Love doesn't brag," but in a family it is understood (it is more like "news" and we believe they want to know it) that there is a place for sharing things with family members and to brag on each other--this is not the time of bragging it is talking about. What is good is when we took someone else's horn or brag about them and they don't have to do it. We really shouldn't toot our own horn according to the Bible.
"As far as it is possible, be at peace with all men, "says Romans 12:18. This means that we keep the peace the best we can, and not see if we can ruffle some feathers and stir up a lively or contentious conversation that has no positive fruit. Sometimes it is easy for more educated people to see an opportunity to pick apart the brains or conversation of those less in the know or clued in (don't "wow them with your scholarship" as Chuck Swindoll has written). Do everything in love and seek harmony and peace, not division! Sometimes it is tempting to let the steam out of one's balloon or deflate their ego; but Scripture says clearly to "rejoice with those who rejoice," (Rom. 12:15a).
I can remember an example when someone was really excited that our team won, and I commented that it was against a losing team: I was not rejoicing because he replied that a w is still a w. What this means is that if someone is happy about something that we should not find reasons for them not to be happy and bum them out and show the negative side. If one hears good news, we don't seek the bad news somewhere hiding in the shadows.
Case in point: Suppose brother A says that his town was chosen as the best town in the state to live and he was celebrating the good news and maybe even bragging a bit, but only to close family and friends whom he knew. And brother B was very skeptical and challenged his "fact" and wanted to know the source of such info. What if he didn't know and interpreted B's skepticism as doubting his "word" and calling him "naive" or "gullible." What I'm saying is that it is far better and more Christ-like to say something like: "That's very good for your town and I'll bet you're glad you live there now!" This sounds far more positive and constructive to a good relationship. People do take a lot of pride in the places they live and could take it as a personal offense to question their belief in it being a good place to live.
Where am I going with this and what's the conclusion of the matter? Let's say that we must learn to pick our battles: George C. Patton wrote a book Patton's Principles: A Handbook for Managers Who Mean It. In other words, choose an argument that is worth something and you may have something to lose or gain spiritually by. It is not worth just arguing just for the sake of arguing just to see who wins! We must try to stay positive and rejoice with those who rejoice and not always present the pitfalls or negative side which may bum them out! We may even have the skills of a lawyer, but that doesn't entitle us to use them haphazardly or recklessly on family and friends if we want to stay in fellowship. Soli Deo Gloria!